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Humour

Sept. 21/01.  While at a client's home a few weeks ago I made note that the headboard in the master bedroom had a handle on it.  Yes, a handle. What a novel idea I thought.  However, the client reassured me that the handle was only present because and I quote, "the headboard was actually an antique door on its side".  I was also assured that any other use for the handle had never been considered.

Sept. 24/01.  While in a suppliers warehouse a few weeks ago the shipper indicated that the real crooks in this world do not carry guns, they carry briefcases.  It is difficult to argue with that. 

Nov. 5/01.  It was not known whether the doggy was lost or if he's just guarding the trailer until his owner returns.

                                  

Nov. 6/01.  For anyone who wonders why government can't manage money.  Between the first and third sign you're 3 km closer to Burk's Falls, yet you're 5 km closer to North Bay. "By the time we get to Burk's Falls, we might just pass North Bay."    

 

Nov. 6/01.  The sign on the wall at the former Magnetawan Marine reads, "Fire Hazard Rating -  NORMAL BURNING"

        

 

Nov. 7/01.  No matter what the situation, there is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 

Dec. 6/01.  On December 5, 2001, a public "town hall" meeting was arranged by Frank Klees, MPP-Oak Ridges.  The event was attended by approximately 3 dozen dissatisfied homeowners who openly vented their frustration toward the Ontario New Home Warranty Program.  During this meeting, Patrick O'Hanlon, President of the Greater Toronto Home Builders Association made a speech that included the following statement.   "The Ontario New Home Warranty Program is the greatest warranty program in the world." 

Not in all of Canada. Not in all of North America.  No, "the world". 

This writers only concern is that Mr. O'Hanlon has neglected the possibility of life on Mars.  Maybe the word "universe" would better reflect the situation.

 

January 8/02.  The Housechek dictionary defines the word "mitigate" as a very polite way of stating that there is no chance in hell that the aggrieved party will be treated fairly.    

 

February 5/02.   Housechek's Top Ten Reasons to get a Home Inspection. 

    10. The municipal building inspector thinks that any less than "5 jelly-filled in a dozen" is a building code violation.
     9. The Developer also works at the one-hour jiffy photo.
     8. The foundation carpenter's think a "form" is a hockey arena.
     7. The electrical inspector thinks being referred to as "Sparky" is a compliment.
     6. The site super drives a Cadillac.
     5. The municipal building inspector refers to inspections as "drive-bys".
     4. The electrical inspector thinks "Hot Neutral Reverse" has something to do with a cross dresser.
     3. Brian Mulroney's cabinet all got patronage appointments as "Municipal Building Inspectors".
     2. The municipal building inspector thinks "big-O" is a doughnut.
       and the number one reason why it's important to get a HOME INSPECTION.
           When the carpenter yells, "nailer in place" he isn't just talking about framing.

 

February 15/02. 

     A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
    "What are you doing?" She asked.
    "Hunting Flies" He responded.
    "Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
    "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone...
 

March 22/02.  In what can clearly only be described as a deja-vu, Sheldon Libfeld, President of the Greater Toronto Home Builders' Association, repeats the words of past president, Patrick O'Halon.  On March 10, 2002, Mr. Libfeld stated in his Toronto Sun column, "You'll also be building that all-important equity while being protected by the Ontario New Home Warranty Program.  Let me tell you that this program is one of the finest in the World and Ontario homebuyers are lucky to have it."

Well thank goodness, we wouldn't want these guy's to be contradicting each other, or dare I say it, suggesting that ONHWP is anything short of consumer satisfaction perfection.  

 

May 7/02.   While referring to complaints made by the public regarding the Ontario New Home Warranty Program, Frank Klees, MPP Oak Ridges was quoted April 7th stating, "I have been assured they are responding more quickly and they have been warned the government is watching." Unfortunately, this is the problem, since September of 1995, Mr. Klees has been aware of the manner in which ONHWP operates, yet all he has done is watch.

 

May 16/02.  No one is ever listening, until you make a mistake.

 

February 5/04.  Please be advised that there has not been any humour in the past 20 months.

 

May/04.  You know it might be a divorce when two police cruisers show up so you can do the home inspection.

 

July/04.

Five extra nights at Cavendish PEI - $192                                                         Four day car rental - $433

Truck Repairs - $2,890                                                            Five more Cavendish sunsets while your wife is back at work in Toronto - Priceless!!!

 

Oct. 15/04. Shower Power.  The Ontario electrical Safety Code requires 36 inches of unobstructed space in front of the electrical panel. I guess the homeowner will just have to cut a hole in the side of the shower....................zap!!!